he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
