I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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