if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize