when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
