There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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