yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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