You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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