RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
