i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
whose parrot is this?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
