i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
