Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
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