yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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