The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
