my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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