Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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