I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just forgot I was standing up.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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