Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
