If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
