Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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