Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
