I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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