i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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