My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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