I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
