I didn't shave. On purpose
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
