it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
