I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
false alarm. still invincible.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
