Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
