Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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