Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
