Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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