Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
