What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
