I think my vagina is haunted
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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