Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
