Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize