the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
