A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
