on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
