What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
