cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
