benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
