got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
