She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
