my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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