Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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