u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize