im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I had to cum in my sink.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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