She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
