Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
