Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I still have a little drunk in my system
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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