the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
