Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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