Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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