this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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