her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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