awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
