You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
