There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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