Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
