Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
