He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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