She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
third nipple confirmed
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
